Your Paradise is Not For Me.

I got my letter from yale college. It now costs 20 pounds to start college. A fee. So much for free education. It really annoyed me at first, but now it has got me thinking (probably not a good thing in my case but who cares).

Just what sort of world are we living in? In the end we are going to be charged larged fees for absolutely everything. It will be a facsist, capitalist world. Where the rich are super rich and have a good life and everyone else will live in misery. Its so annoying. They should have one currency for all of us and spread the money around the world evenly. It would solve problems for everyone (except for all the greedy transnationals of course)

But we are going to get charged for everything, work all day long (with no free time), still struggle to keep our heads above water and if we fail to pay all our possessions go (bayliffs) or we go to court or even jail.

Anyone who rebels will be caught thanks to the oh so many CCTV cameras stationed everywhere. In short – there will be no freedom. Our rights are being taken away one by one,  and we wont have any left if things keep up like this. No wonder everyone is getting depressed and on anti-depressants (which are full of additives to discourage the brain from thinking – so they will be less inclined to rebel and just let the governments of the world fuck things up. That is a very clever ruse they have there but I can see straight through it.)

No rights, no free time, no money. Brilliant. But another thing i thought is that freedom isnt actually a real thing. We’ll never be totally free. Countries such as the USA just use it as a disguise to do whatever they want.  So basically everyone will think theyre free when theyre not, live with no rights and wonder why they feel so depressed.

I really want to get a good job. A high-paid job with low hours when im older. Because I dont want to fall into this trap thats been so carefully set up. I am getting my qualifications, fulfilling my deams, falling in love and doing whatever I want. Live my life to the max. Because the world isnt going to get any better. I will continue to speak my mind no matter what people think, because quite frankly, if more of the public were like me the rich greedy businessmen wouldnt be getting away with this bull.

Freedom isnt free and freedom isnt real. The so-called modern way of living which is supposed to be so great, whilst it is better than the standard of living in caveman times, has definately been overhyped.  This paradise is not for me.

The world will never be perfect, and theres no use crying over the turmoil. But we can still enjoy our lives and not let the system bring us down. They will never take away our minds or our hearts, so in that sense we will always be free. Its just good to write this down.

They cant keep it up forever, when we have nothing left to lose we will be stronger than ever. I think the system will eventually get toppled or at least move in the right direction. Obama isnt great, but he certainly is an improvement on Bush, so thats improvement already.

Another thing that happened today is everyone was slagging off our new form tutor in college saying “OMG I HATE HER SHE LOOKS LIKE A MAN” and saying all these nasty things about her when theyve only seen her once. I had to step in i was like “no youre being prejucided. You dont even know her and youre making judgements about her. You are judging her for her appearance alone which is just shallow”.

People like that are exactly why things in the world go downhill. They didnt seem very apologetic but they stopped after that. It was very annoying but I am very proud of myself for stepping in. I wish more people would speak their mind and stand up for whats right. Instead of always being influenced to do the wrong thing. It’s very annoying.

Hopefully i do actually have some influence on people. Unfortunately there will always be people dumb enough just to follow others instead of being themselves, so at least I can influence sheep to think for themselves instead of be shallow, superficial and fake.

Well on the upside to all this, I’ll always have me and my life is still good. So big brother hasnt managed to ruin my life. It’s failed. So if any big greedy business men are reading this: “haha you failed. F*** you” is all i have to say to them.

Peace people x

Armour Love

Ive blogged about a lot of interesting things and been very opinionated in my past entries (such is my nature: I know myself and im a deep thinker). But if theres one thing i havent blogged about before its love. The L word so many people fear. So I thought id go and be super original and write a bit about it.

I think love is quite a powerful force. Everyone says that but people actually underestimate it. “True love” (something which is very rare I think even in a lot of marriages) is a mutual love. A feeling of happiness that stays there so that no matter what happens the two people will always be in love and be happy and will never tire of each other. They will always want to be with each other and insepperable (im aware i probably spelt that word wrong). This is an example of how love can heal and make the world a better place. If you wanted to be a big walking talking cliche, you could easily say: Love has the power to heal the world.

Love can also destroy and be very destructive. An example of this is unrequited love. I have actually experienced heartache. I heard people talking about heartache but i thought it was a just term to express the sadness people experienced when they lost a love, loved someone who didnt love them back, or was away from a partner. But heartache isnt just that. Amazingly, it is actually heart-ache. Like a physical pain. For me it was anyway. I get a literal physical ache along with everything else. That is evidence its not all in our heads.

I think thanks to our good friend Hollywood a lot of people have unrealistic ideas of it though. I mean the love we see in the teen movies often doesnt exist in real life. I mean do you know anyone who had a story like the ones you see in those films?

For me, i think attraction makes 50 percent of what people call love. An ideal partner would be someone I was physically and sexually attracted to (as in i find them hot/cute/whatever word you want to use) as well as emotionally and romantically attracted (‘clicking personalities’ as they say. Everything in common). These two combined creates a basic form of love. Which can result in heartache and all the rest of the lovey stuff. But you really have something special when that basic love made up of all those different attractions, advances to the next level. A mutual fulfillment.

The reason I am blogging about love is because i am currently going through an experience which could lead to a new relationship. And am experiencing heartache as a result, as well as happiness.

Another thing I wanted to blog about was a topic thats come up a lot this week. I’ll tell the story…

A close friend of mine posted on her facebook status: “whats more important following your head or your heart?”

I basically responded by saying its different with everyone. Everyone follows different paths. The head is logic-based and the heart emotion-based. Following your logic will make sure you never get in trouble. But you will never experience improvements. And following your emotions could set you back 3 spaces or move you forward. Its best to chose which one you want to do according to the situation. Its kind of like a stick or twist thing.

She said something next like “what happens if they disagree (heart and head)” and i say well you will have an internal conflict. And the person must think what is best for them. But shes like “what if you make the wrong decision”.

But making wrong decisions isnt something to worry about. Just make a decision. Because if no one made wrong decisions then nobody would learn anything. Its how we learn everything in life from who we are to what to do with our lives. In short:  “It is our choices that make us different”

You cant tell how the future will turn out. All i know is i dont regret anything in my life and i dont regret anything that I have done. I probably have done some wrong decisions in the past. But im willing to accept that because im a human being. But i dont regret them and I wouldnt change them, because without them I wouldnt be who I am today. Dont worry about the past and the future. I think its better to live each day as it comes, that way you can make sure youre the best you can be at everything (as well as anything life throws at you.

As for a quick update on my life:

Right now i am in a great time in my life. I am experiencing what could be called love. I have beat depression and I am brimming with self-love (positive self-love, not fake egos and walls to protect myself like some people i know, im talking the real deal).

I get a bit down sometimes because my life is far from perfect, but I am lucky to even have a computer its more than what some people in the world have and I know not to take anything in life for granted or overcomplicate the things in my life.

In short: I’m feeling pretty euphoric and positive right now. So many people think they know me when they dont. But i dont care what people think. Because no matter what they think, I’ll always be the same person.

Another thing i want to add kind of on the topic of love is an awful lot of people are looking for love, yet they cant find it. A lot of the time its because they have no love for themselves. You cant love others unless you love yourself first. Save yourself before you save others. Otherwise you cant change anything. People should find who they are before they commit to a relationship, or else the relationship wont have any true love. It will just be a friendship in disguise.

Always remember folks: Say what you like and do what you feel because those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter.

Peace. x

Life could be that simple.

As a thinking person, I thought a lot about things. Often overcomplicating things. But over the last few months ive learnt to take a deep breath to reavulate – and in my learning i have discovered that things are always as simple as they seem, that is simpler than you originally think. People stress out over nothing.

The way i beat depression was by learning that life is really that simple, things dont have to be complicated. As humans our egos tend to complicate things to make us feel better than or worse than other people. But things dont need to be complicated. The process can be eliminated. I have developed as a person and know myself more than ever.

This for me, has a been a key to happiness. Not overthinking unimportant things. My family argue all the time. Blah blah blah blah. And they argue over nothing. Its annoying because theyre overcomplicating things. Its an ego conflict. Life should be simple. They are making themselves down.

This song basically explains everything Im trying to say in the lyrics. Things should be that simple. You may be a genius but you have a lot to learn. You overthink it, etc. This song definately has helped me through some hard times. Its a lesson people need to learn.

Another one is dont make things SIMPLER than they seem. The most important life lesson for me is to always think for myself, and not follow the crowd. Dont be influenced by others or compare yourself to others because you are your own person. Its annoying when people are stupid and just follow the crowd and try too hard to be something their not. That is also overthinking. Just keep things simple.

I’m writing down any complex thoughts here right now and keeping lifes problems the way they should be.

I always say think by all means. Thinking is good. But dont overcomplicate things. Everything in this world is what you make it.

I’ll Take a Pizza and an Isolation Tank.

I was wondering why everyone cares so much about what people think of them and why they conform as i always do, and i decided its because they want to be ordinary or “Normal”

The definition of normal is “to conform” which means everybody WANTS to conform how annoying. The definition is also “To be sane” so even the english dictionary says if you dont conform youre mentally ill. No wonder theres a subconscious desire for people to “normal”. But i think aside from the fact that most people dont want to be mentally ill (the prospect of mental illness doesnt scare me because people in my family had it, so im not scared of “mad” people, and i know for a fact i am sane. Well as sane as the next person. I dont think anyone in the world can truly be called sane)

But anyway, aside from the fact people dont want to be mentally ill, people desire to be normal to “fit in”. Now if theres one type of person who annoys me more than someone who conforms and is fake, its someone who tries to fit in. I cant stand how people change themselves and sacrifice who they are just to please people. Why do they try so hard. It startles me forever. (Yes i have high expectations, and yes this is the reason why i dont have many friends, and no, i dont care. True friends will like me for who i am not something im not)

But i was thinking why do people sell out like this. And i got it. The same reason everyone goes on myspace – POPULARITY. Most humans have the desire to be liked. Which is understandable. I mean not being liked by anyone in the world would suck (although there is nobody who is disliked by EVERYONE. so that arguement is invalid) But most people feel it necessary to be liked by everyone they meet – to be popular. And i just dont get it at all.

Even when i was a kid i was happy with the friends i had. I never had the desire to seek more friends, and i never had the desire to be popular, maybe this is where my current attitude (of which i am quite proud of) originates from. Ive never been popular, ive never desired or wanted to be popular or even thought about being popular before now. I am very proud of myself for not being gullable, naive, brainwashed and shallow. Its a shame. Now i finally worked out why ive always hated myspace.

I probably put people off wanting to make friends with me, i have high expectations which people feel they can never live up to, and most people would rather admire me from a distance, they are scared i will bite their heads off. I tell people this is how i feel about making friends and theyre like “AWWWW BLESS” and they feel sorry for me.

And i hate that. I dont want people to feel sorry for me, because i dont feel sorry for me. I am actually very glad. I dont actually mind the fact i dont have many friends, i have all the people i care about close to me and thats all that matters. Screw everyone else. I will make friends with people who will like me for who i am regardless. Those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind.

People just want to fill in the big dark whole inside them with loads of low-quality friendships. How sad and stupid. I guess some fools learn the hard way.

Now i will continue to be “rebellious” as i am so often dubbed and “anti-social” and i will do so with pride. Because no one else has the guts to be who they really are! So i will!

Remember: Stand up for whats right even if youre standing alone!

Here Comes The Rain Again

So many people in this world are unhappy, miserable, depressed. I mean i suffer from “clinical depression”, but i am very wise which means i can fight it and try to keep my spirits up. I feel im very strong for the way ive dealt with my life because it hasnt been an easy ride and im proud of myself.

My life is bad considering the place i am born. I mean UK isnt a poor country, but compared to most uk families i know it isnt great, but i still feel lucky cuz on a worldwide basis my life is pretty good. Look at the aids orphans in africa and the palestinians getting kicked out of Israel. They have it worse than me.

But a lot of people are unhappy in the west. UK and USA. The numbers increase every year, and now it seems very few people are actually happy. Which is funny, because most of us dont even have it that bad. This either means people in other countries are even more unhappy and depressed or the west are a bunch of wimps.

I actually think its a boredom thing. Here in the west we have everything we need. We have plenty of time to relax and do nothing which means we have plenty of time to think. Over thinking until you think negatively is basically what depression is. But its still reasonably worldwide.

The media is cashing on the demise of everyones wellbeing as they always do and people are turning to celebrities and religion more than ever. And even crazy conspiracy theories. People want hope. They want to believe in something. Because otherwise its too depressing to accept the world. Thats why people obsess over things like occult and religions.

Theres such a big black cloud over us all at the moment, and the people that have it over them will never get rid of it totally, but we can get rid of it for our children and our childrens children and the future generations. Ensure they dont fall into the same trap of being self-loathing and unhappy as so many people in todays world have.

Its a constant struggle for me. I have my wise, confident, unafraid and righteous personality which you see on these blogs. The real me and then another personality made by the depression which comes out when i get too deep in negative thought. It must be fought everyday. I think a few people go through this struggle.
Plenty of people pretend to be something their not to escape this conflict but thats not the way to go about things. That will just push the negative feelings deeper in rather then bring them out. There are so many taboos and expectations in todays society its no wonder everyone is carrying around so many bottled up emotions. Even when you dont care what people think, you bottle up emotions. Its human.

But its not healthy to bottle up too many. And the world has evolved to a state which forces many people to bottle up too many, which is dangerous for humanity as a whole. We all have a bad habit of hiding our pain and trying to “move on”, but few people actually try to stop instead of moving on and deal with and destroy the pain before we continue our lives. This is not always possible, but its not mentally or emotionally healthy to carry too much, because you will eventually collapse.

Putting 110% into it – ‘Trying Too Hard’.

OK. Ive just logged in checked my comments and i had LOADS and then i took a look and they were all spam. Actually i have loads of viagra adverts in my spam folder. I have no idea how they got there, they were from different people as well, and Im pretty sure I have never mentioned it before in my blog. I thought it was quite comical actually. It will be a good 50 years before i blog about such things.

But that aside, I was on youtube and someone said something to do with Beyonce (not my taste, but you go link-hopping when youre on youtube) that she always gave 110%. This 110% thing people say has to be the most annoying thing in the world.

One of my virtues is that I am very patient and tolerant with people (just dont ask me to be with computers) but when people say 110% it gets under my skin a little. PER CENT means PER A HUNDRED. So you cannot have one hundred and ten per a hundred. That is contradictory, and very annoying. Im pretty sure my mother hates that saying as well.

Another thing that inspired me to blog today is I am fed up of fakeness. I know i mention conformity a lot in my blogs but i am so strongly opposed. It drives me crazy, everywhere I go people are trying to fit in or trying to be something theyre not. I wish people would just be themselves. A lot of people just plain try too hard as well. I will never try to fit in. People think im antisocial still and i still dont care. It grates on me more each day. Its kinda sad. Its like a pandemic of low self esteem and fakeness and it drives me CRAZY.

Another thing which i dont usually discuss is my spirituality. I make the fact that im not religous clear on a lot of things. I think spirituality on general (Whether it be religion, god, etc.) is important sometimes because we live in such a fake money-obsessed material world. However many people think religion and God are the same thing when theyre not. God is just an entity, the belief in a higher power, whereas religion divides people.

If someone asked me if i believe in God i couldnt say no, but i couldnt say yes either, I do in a way, but I dont see why it should be referred to as God, the greater power merely lies in the elements that make up everything. I believe the energies that placed us here are a perfect balance of good and evil spirits. When we die the evil spirits are purged from our souls and when we are reincarnated and born again we are born as purely good. However evil preys on the weak minded, and people let it take them to satisfy their own needs and greed.

Its kind of like selling your soul to the devil, only its not really that conspiracy-ish. Nobody remains purely good forever. Because that is impossible. You cannot have good without evil and you cannot have darkness without light. The forces must balance. I actually believe as we get re-incarnated we become more wise and learn more in each lifetime, our knowledge remains with us after we die, im not talking IQ or anything like that, but im talking wisdom, and wisdom in ways of the world and spiritual wisdom. When we have learnt all ultimate truths which we are required to learn, we will no longer get re-incarnated, i dont have a belief on what happens to us after that. But i accept im not going to know any time soon, howeve i believe life is a quest for knowledge, but fulfillment and happiness are also important, as you cannot always attain some parts of wisdom unless you are fulfilled first.

I believe you cannot change another person unless you love them and you cannot love someone unless you love yourself. Nobody loves themselves all the time. Even myself, I fight clinical depression, and although I love myself by default, it sinks its claws in every now and then to make me feel bad.

Its good to change at least one other person in your life spiritually, and by that i mean providing wisdom. Im not going to start preaching all love stuff because ill become a walking-talking cliche and i dont believe in Soulmates.

Theres a great song by Pink called Try Too Hard i suggest people listen to (plus look up the lyrics) it explains the whole fakeness pandemic quite well. It is also positively antagonistic and rebellious and has a good vibe.

My quote for today – “I never expect myself to score 110% thats trying to hard. 100% will do my fine!”

Peace

Up, Up

On my mission to forget the future which i have already secured, ive been really trying to get out more and enjoy myself (see my last post for the full story) and thats exactly what ive been doing. The drama classes ive been taking are helping me a lot. Its weird because im actually popular and people like me which has never happened to me before. (The reason its never happened is because i choose not to fit in, i follow my own judgements and dont care what people think) but this self-righteousness of mine has turned into more of a positive confidence, and now i find people follow my lead, which has never been the case before. I mean ive never followed the crowd. But usually my opinions are ignored. I think the overall human consciousness of this world is on the up. Which is good.

Aside from that i went to a brilliant concert on Tuesday with my sister and a couple of friends. We went to see The Saturdays. Most people are surprised when i listen to pop music, because of my view on the world. But I really like The Saturdays. They are very genuine people, theyre not egoists at all they just are who they are and dont try to be anything theyre not which is what i like about them. Also a very talented group. People in the US might not know who they are but they will soon probably because they have talked of going over to america, but the thing is theyre not facsist or commercial in a scheming, brainwashing way.

The venue was small, we all walked to the front and they used no playback or autotune or anything like that it was all a live band and live vocals it was an incredible show. Una (one of the members) spotted me waving and waved back and she said that she liked my glasses! Which was a nice thing to say. (my glasses have all flurocsent green around the inside and the rims, in the Manchester Apollo Arena they must have looked even brighter with the lights. I made sure to thank her although quickly because she was performing (she is also a great guitarist). It was a brilliant and talented show. Mollie (another member) cried during the ballad Fall, because it was the last show of their tour. And you could tell they really did enjoy the tour they couldnt stop smiling at each other on stage (not fake hollywood smiles either, they looked like they were about to laugh quite a few times). They dont put on a front, they generally are close friends. They even have videos they recorded just hanging out on youtube (all mobile phone quality as well!). ITs nice to have real people in the media. We need some more. Before Paris Hiltons are everywhere!

Also my sisters friend Ailish and her friend (and my drama buddy from school) Alex met me (and my sis) in town as Ailish had an interesting college project she needed to do and all her other friends had let her down so we decided to take part. The project was a storyboard (to do with an evil wizard an ice dragon and a griffin amulet) and it was fantasy like but it had to be done by taking real photos and using photoshop on them to make them into different things to match the storyboard. It was the most fun thing ever we had to pose and sit on a bench like it was a griffin and do really fun stuff in the middle of town centre.

I think they were concerned about everyone looking at them thinking they were weird. But for some reason i didnt stop to care or even notice. Those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter. This taking it easy and enjoying life thing and not taking yourself too seriously really makes you not care about trivial things. I think ive realised life is just a game, i still am of the belief of a quest of knowledge and reincarnation until we have achieved all we can, but life is too crazy and unpredictable to be a serious thing. Embarassment just doesnt occur to me now. I feel a bit more free and more enlightened than i have in a very long time.

We did it for two days in Wrexham and Llangollen (during eisteddfod week as well) and will be meeting again on monday. I am looking forward to it. Getting out the house really does you the world of good.

The title to this blog is actually a reference to a saturdays song. The tarot cards said my life would turn around for the better this month. Things are looking good so far. Ill admit its very challenging to keep my mindset positive. But i have to because i WANT the tarot cards to be true i deserve good fortune. I want to go Up, Up. As we all do.

My thought for the day (Which i made sure to publish on my facebook status a few people dont agree with me, but it doesnt matter, i like a good debate )
My facebook status:

thinks “being normal” is the biggest gimmick ever made by mankind. The dictionary definition of normal is: Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical: Free from mental illness; sane…..So basically if you dont conform and follow a norm you suffer from a mental illness how stupid is that! If thinking for yourself makes me mad then i take crazy as a compliment!

Its true. I always thought this. But then i saw a video of chris crocker on youtube saying the same thing, and it reminded me so i posted it on there. (chris crocker is quite intelligent when he wants to be, it surprised me) So there you have it. But i think its certainly true. Who the hell wants to be normal and sane. Sounds boring to me!

And life continues, and the game continues, and im going to try my hardest to enjoy every second…

Yes, I’m Serious

OK. I know im a good person and i know im very wise for my age. But if theres one thing about me that can be kind of annoying is that I take myself a bit too seriously. I know life is a game and we only live once and should make the most of it and all that but wise philosophical people like me have a tendency to think too much.

Introverted and creative people like me tend to think inwardly, so combine this with being lost in my head and it is no suprise I take myself seriously. Some people call it an ego or pride. But I am very empathic so would never say i was egotistical. I do not feel like I am the centre of the universe even though there are times where i feel very proud about who i am become, but i believe everyone in the world is worth the same.

I usually dont care what people think because life is too short to worry about that but I embarassed myself majorly today, and i felt  like a hypocrite,  my depression was verbally abusing me inside my head with thoughts like “youre such a hypocrite going on about self esteem and not caring what people think and then getting embarassed when you do something stupid” but then it struck me i was not a hypocrite, embarrassment is merely a common human emotion.

Embarassment is caused when we do something unserious or relaxed, or let our shield down without realising the consequences, embarrassment is shame of acting out of character, or how percieve you however i dont think how people percieve you is the intergral part of why i felt ashamed. My embarrassment was simply caused by the fact i take myself very seriously, which is a both a good and a bad thing.

In fact that and my tendency to get lost in negative thought (although thats more my depression than me) are the only things about me i would change. Im happy with everything else, I know im not alone in this, but I find it really hard to laugh at myself when I do something wrong or embarrass myself. It goes to show you can be wise, kind, funny, clever or anything else but you will never be perfect, no matter how hard you try.

I think its an expectation thing. Its quite common for people to take themselves too seriously, and for me, it is my only flaw (that i can think of), I think to beat this one must lower the expectations they have for themselves, and admit nobody is perfect and that its impossible to be, so why bother?

I know this, and so does everyone else, yet many people still strive for perfection, everyone works on their faults and boosts their positives. I myself never try to fit in and am always genuine and true to myself, and even at times when im annoyed at who i am, i would never pretend to be anything different, because fakeness isnt right to me. However the conflict is my brain telling me im not good enough (my good friend, depression – i know its always wrong, but its persuasive at bad times) and that i must be better at everything. This has a knock on effect for people resulting in a “high-horse” ego or becoming a reclusive loner (and quietly ambitious), having diabolical self-esteem or simply becoming very defensive. I have been all of these things in the past, yet never more than one at a time.

But all these things lead to people taking themselves very seriously, I think an important life lesson is to learn not to take everything seriously ALL THE TIME, we are on this earth to enjoy the time we have AS WELL as everything else. Its important not to lose sight of that i think. Its the one personal goal i have is to loosen up and enjoy life, but its actually quite hard. I guess its a good thing if this is my goal, as it means ive successfully achieved all the other goals.

Its our jobs as humans to all have high self-esteem and be kind to one another as well as ourselves, and enjoy our life to the fullest, this sounds simple, but its hard to achieve all of them at one time, i think this is one of the challenges and purposes of life, to be fulfilled and therefore happy. I can forgive myself for not being fulfilled at 16 though! Wisdom is great but it doesnt buy happiness alone. Now im going to watch some of my favourite shows and relax for a change and try to forget my problems. Its time to start reaching for my goal straight away!…

Introducing dishonesty as a major social skill…

OK. I know I am well known for taking a moral high ground on things (but so what) but here is something which has boggled and annoyed the hell out of me for a very long time.

Well i watched a great stage adaptation today of “The Little Shop Of Horrors” with the youth theatre (most of them are really posh, and fake as well, but they they havent done anything wrong to me so im not going to be hostile towards them just because they are misguided, even if it is really annoying) and it finished an hour earlier than usual so i went up to the bar to try and text my parents phones (it takes 100 years for them to recieve text messages it seems) and of course i was expected to socialise in a big group.

I really hate socialising in big groups, not “because im shy” and not “because im worried what people think about me”. Life is too short to worry about those sorts of things, but i really hate socialisng because everyone is just so fake.

I mean by that someone will tell a really lame joke (no doubt to impress people in the group so they dont feel as insecure) which 9 times out of 10 is about as humerous as a dead cat on a highway. And then all the sheeple, being them fake selves will laugh in unison, and of course, i dont laugh because i genuinely dont find it funny, and i know for a fact not all of those people do either, its just so fake. (and heres the worst part) they seem to give you dirty looks for not laughing, like theres something wrong with me! (for being genuine) like i have no social skills.

If having social skills means being dishonest and sacrificing who i am to please other people, then they can keep them! Why should i jeopradise who i am for other people.? If you cant be yourself in this world then just who else are you supposed to be? I think the day people realise will be the last days of mankind, really and “low self-esteem” is a common excuse for people being totally fake but its not a good one because i suffer from clinical depression and dont let that stop me being a real person. People are just plain scared.

Ive never fit in at school or in life, and people feel sorry for me about it and it does my head. I dont try to fit in and i dont want to simply because i actually like being me and dont want to jeopradise who i am. A lot of people think im disturbed or theres something wrong with me (which is very old now). I wish people would just learn to be themselves and not be fake.

Having social skills and being popular is so important to people, but never in my 16 year life have i ever wanted to be either of those things. Theyre just not as big deal as what people build them up to be. I’ll speak my mind, but still not be insensitive, my intentions are good after all, but ill stand up for my beliefs whether people like it or not, and i think others should do the same! Because the lack of people being motivated to stand up for whats right is what messes up the world and allows politicans to walk all over us all!

Thriller

Well im feeling quite a bit better than i was during my last post. As you read my blog you will notice that I go through ups and downs, the downs are quite extreme, the ups are just times when i feel ok, not happy as such, just content enough to not feel sorry for myself all the time.

Moving on, I wanted to bring up the subject of Michael Jackson. I was having an interesting discussion about Michael Jackson in my drama class yesterday (this was in the afternoon, way before he had had the heartattack) and also I had an interesting discussion about celebrities with my sister.

I was saying that in 60 years time old people will be listening to Britney Spears and The Pussycat Dolls, which seems like a weird concept to me, and then my sister said that well also outlive most of todays celebrities (as im only 16 and most celebs are older). And its a valid point. But the scary thing is my sister actually said “Think syd, we’ll be alive when michael jackson dies” and then 15 mins later we turn the tv on and it says SHOCK JACKSON HAS DIED.

I think my sister felt really bad/shameful/guilty about it (saying “Oh my god I killed Michael Jackson” and “I feel so bad making jokes about him dying now”) her conscience messed up,  and mine did a bit, but it was kind of funny as well. Just the timing, but it had me thinking what a coincedence it was. The world has a funny way of throwing up funny coincedences like that.

And another Thriller for me, was something that ones of my friends said that really ticked me off. They were pulling loads of jokes about michael jackson and most of them were quite harsh, and as she is quite popular, all the annoying sheeple of facebook agreed and took it further. And it kind of angered me. Its just so low.

No ones sad about the loss of a human being, just gutted because theres one less celebrity to bitch about, and its so sad. I know famous people are annoying sometimes but they are still human beings, if anything its harder for them living under a microscope all the time. And i did point it out saying its harsh, he has three kids and a family who are all grieving a person has died and youre bad mouthing them like a piece of trash.

And they were like “people die all the time, dont see why he should get special treatment cuz hes famous” and im like YES people die all the time but you dont bad mouth all of those people when they die! How low and heartless. I have really lost respect for my friend it shows such a lack of empathy and its just cold and unconstructive. I’m usually the last person to get offended (in fact im usually offending others with my honesty) but this is so unconstructive and mean. I mean you wouldnt bad mouth your own dead relatives so why do it to someone elses it just makes no sense to me.

Why are some people so ridiculously cruel and mean. And the worst thing is, its always the natural leader types and control freaks that tend to be cruel and mean so all the other people (e.g the mindless sheep) follow in their example. I’m so glad im not a mindless follower, and can think for myself and im so glad i actually have a heart and can empathise and know important things in life. I’m not religious but I am definately spiritual and am grateful of my high moral development.

Im glad im not a leader as well. I dont want to tell people what to do, how to do things. I like to give people advice or guide their way but people who like to take charge of other peoples minds annoy me lately as well. I guess im starting to value different traits in people now then I used to. People that fit my mould for a worthy person are rare and few and far between it seems.

heres the funniest thing: one guy said that not only i was wrong but that i didnt know what i was talking about and that the people cracking jokes were just brave for daring to speak the truth but there is not truth in lame unconstructive and selfish jokes.

I was no fan of michael jackson. I didnt follow his life or music (i liked earth song mind) but i am sorry for what happened to him as a fellow human being and as a member of the human race. Another person has died that did not deserve to go. People dying is a sad thing  so who am i to disrespect that, especially someone with a hard life such as MJ.

and another mutual friend said how if everyone thought like me wed all be communists (like thats some sort of demonic thing). I am fed up of the thing that people have in their heads of communism = genocide/terrorism/everything bad. It’s not true all communism means is equality, socialism and equal oppurtunities for all people. That isnt a bad idea, its idiotic people (usually the ones who think communism = bad) that take control which has given it a bad rep. ARGH. people are so stupid.

I actually think people choose to be stupid, theyre too scared of the burden of being wise because knowledge is hard to live with, but i say fuck it. I’d rather be corrupted than an ignorant fool any day. (because were all messed up really: its just some hide it and some say: Yeah life is crap. What are you gunna do. acknowledging the fact and continuing to make the most you have, that is what it is all about).

OK. Well thats the blog for today. A thriller indeed. I dont say R.I.P because its not like the dead people actually read it. It’s like when people say “life goes on” when someone dies, but for the person who has just died; it doesn’t. But my heart goes out to michael jackson who met his end at 50 as well as his grieving family, he was still only a human being with hopes, fears and feelings. And also i would like to say thank jehovah for wordpress. I so needed to express my thoughts on this because everyone is saying stupid things today. -.-

Peace out