Gin and Rubicon

I don't know what I'm feeling, or what I'm faking anymore
My only indicator to the pain thats real,
Are my tears.
But i dont know what triggers them.
PLEASE DON'T DIE.
I beg you,
Please don't die
I'd do anything.
Anything.
Come back to me.
Please.
I love you.
I will always love you.
I have drunk so much gin.
I have lied, cried, tried so hard,
To get through.
And you die.
But don't die.
Come back,
I beg you.
I need you.
I'd do anything.
I'd die in your place,
Without a second thought.
Please don't die.
You said you'd never leave me.
You said you loved me,
And I loved you.
True love poured out of me.
Now the only thing that pours from my heart is pain,
And blame,
And foolish games.
I pick my nose in private
As it runs from my tears.
My greatest fears have just come to fruition,
And love is my only tuition.
Please come back.
What sort of god would wish this on anyone?
Fuck God.
Fuck Life.
You can't be dead.
It just doesn't happen.
This only happens in Eastenders.
Not real life.
Please come back.
Please don't die.
I hope your sister will get back to me.
I hope she will see,
That I am completely,
In love with you.
I hope she will tell me,
It's all a big joke;
The R.I.P signs and..
 -fuck i can't think of a rhyme
Mean nothing.
Just messing around,
So I can tell you how I feel,
And know you hear me.
But I just make stupid sounds,
Like I'm suffocating.
I love you. And I've never touched your face.
I'll never touch your face.
And now it's been eaten by worms.
You've become one with the earth.
I always knew you'd get the last word.
'Cause how can I reply when I cannot be heard?
When a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears,
Does it fall at all?
I don't know.
I don't care,
About anything.
All I've ever cared about is you,
And you're gone.
You were always the one,
For me.
I can't live like this.
I've lived without ever feeling your kiss.
And you're dead.
And I lie in my bed alone,
Knowing you'll never hold me,
And all I have to console me,
Is gin and rubicon,
And bon-bons that I don't eat,
'Cause I can't think of a fucking rhyme.
What the fuck rhymes with rubicon?
Tastes so good but has too much sugar.
So sweet but so bad,
Like our love affair.
It's left me feeling sad.
Empty.
Longing for you.
This is the longest poem ever written.
It's hardly a poem;
It doesn't rhyme.
I broke the rules.
But I have to,
When it comes to you,
'Cause you always made me feel so confident.
I can't sing at all.
I know you thought 'I'm a great singer',
But I'm not really.
My emotions just pour,
And fill in the notes.
But scales and chords,
Just turn me to stone.
They're so melancholic,
As I am right now,
As just gin and rubicon,
Mixed in a mug.
Allow me to drown out the feeling......
As my feelings are beat,
Like a victorian rug.
Just gin and rubicon. Sugary drinks.
I never wanna think.
Again.
I'll always love you my friend....
We're both dead.

The Sex Factor

Well hello. Yes. I am well aware I have not blogged for four and a half months and. I am well aware it’s a bit cheeky just walking back in like nothing happened.

But what all of you are unaware of is – life has been BUSY BUSY BUSY. College is taking over my life. I’ve been working on my drama exam, a professional-standard performance, devised from scratch by me and 6 other people. The piece is called THE SEX FACTOR, and comments on the overt sexualization of the world, the media and questions it, and asks the question who is it really benefiting, but does so in a comedic, parodic, brechtian style (think placards, overacting, “oh what a lovely war”-esque comedy but more modern). That’s why I’ve been so “busy busy busy”.

I’ve been thinking though lately that although the media can be blatantly sexual for no reason at all, which is pointless, I don’t think it’s right to be ashamed of our sexual side. Everyone has a sexuality it’s just whether or not you choose to embrace it. Like pornography is supposedly degrading to a women, and a lot of it is, but i don’t think a person is in the wrong for watching it or enjoying it, and i don’t think that it equates to them degrading women (or men for that matter), I mean personally I never could, it’s just all cheesy and fake and silly and its more likely to make me laugh than provoke its intended response.

The fact is human beings will always have sexuality and this isn’t something that is ever going to go away. I think the whole world can afford to be a lot more open about it instead of treating it like a taboo, as its the reason we’re all alive now.

It should be as standard as talking about what you had for dinner. I know I sound crazy. But imagine if human sexuality was accepted to such a degree. There would be less homophobia, less prejudice, and less sexism because everyone of both genders would be completely open about it all. A man wouldn’t take advantage of a woman, he could just openly ask her for sex and she could say no, and neither person would think anything of it all. But instead due it’s taboo status, he takes advantage of her to force her to do it against her will, through subtlety and a silver tongue, which is much much worse.

Women would be allowed armpit hair and men would be allowed to shave their legs. And neither would be thought of as weird or gross, because we would have a universal acceptance of all different kinds of sexual expression. But instead, we’ve crammed everyone into boxes. Men and Women must look like THIS and THIS to be attractive sexually and must be attracted to THIS and THIS to be ‘normal’. When the fact of the matter is everyone looks different and is attracted to different things, whether its GLBT people, people with strange fetishes, etc.. which just damages everyone’s self-esteem and makes people question their sanity for not being ‘normal’. I actually hate the word ‘normal”. It’s such an ugly, bullying word. No one can be completely normal because it doesn’t exist, yet it destroys peoples sanity as they constantly seek it. I say why bother being normal. Who wants to be like everyone else?

Back on the sex topic though its no wonder so many people are sexually confused, in sexually unsatisfactory relationships and/or are unhappy with their sexuality, because society keeps pushing them into boxes. I say ignore the boxes.

Love and let love. Live and let live. Have sex with who you want to have sex with. Hopefully one day the world will stop being so embarrassed about it all and accept sexuality as a varied, natural entity.

I can envisage a world where people can do what they want and be with who they want and no one raises an eyebrow, as they have learnt to accept everyone is different sexually and expresses themselves differently. How did it all become so taboo, sexist, prejudiced and ignorant in the first place anyway?

Until next time, peace out guys x

Everyone’s At It

Drugs. Pills. Tablets. Everyones at it. We live in a world where almost everyone seems to be a druggie. And I’m not just talking cocaine, marijuana and illegal drugs I’m talking LEGAL perscription drugs. People can get their hands on strong drugs easily and tis legal as long as they can convince their doctor. We are fast becoming a culture where everyone is on something. It’s not healthy or natural and It’s not getting rid of our problems It’s just burying them deep. No wonder everyone is depressed and has psychological problems. We have stuff like diet pills too, just make people crazy.
I refuse to be part of this. I have been depressed for a while and I’ve never taken a single pill for it. I’ve also never taken paracetamol in my LIFE. It’s a scam. We don’t need these things. We’re in a world wheere everyones too weak to deal with their own problems so rely on drugs. It’s horrible. It changes people. I had a very good friend for over a decade. She’s a diferent person since she started anxiety pills. And it’s not a positive transformation. It’s really a shame that peopel believe these scams. Drugs are not the solution. People will actually sleep with their doctors to get pills that they don’t need. This WILL catch up with us eventually. I don’ think drug addicts should be arrested or anything. But i DO think these people should be helped so they see that they dont NEED these things. It’s a placebo

Caged

A friendship I’ve had for many years

Older than all of my adult teeth

With a girl I once knew who was prone to tears

Curly red locks and secretive ears

A trustworthy soul who was one of a kind

A crazy sense of humour, but full of things benine

Mild anxiety and easily swayed

The nicest girl I’ve known and It’s really a shame

She cared for her friends for as long as I knew

She put others first and I don’t have a clue

Why she had to die, It makes my heart cry

Hearing all these lies. It wrings my soul dry.

In her place is someone I do not know

Everything older, modified and so…

Pretend. Her teeth completely perfected

Her culy locks cut and straightened

Full of anxiety and loneliness and pills

And I feel for her deeply, I care for her still

But she does not know

She no longer cares for me

I do not know her

Or her anxiety

My heart has been broken

But still I cling on

Obssess with the past

When we were very young

I can’t stop looking

At all of the photos

Choir songs and schoolbooks

And comics that we once wrote

I know that you remember

Maybe that is why I cling

Because I know that somewhere

The true you lies within

Why can’t you see

There’s more to life

Than being part of a crowd

And popularity

Is that all you care for?

Do I embarass you?

I would do anything to know

What you truly though about me

The 5.  .8….12…14 year old girl that I once knew

My best friend, she lies within you

You think I have changed

But you cannot see

You’d see I’m the same

If you looked within me

But you’re blinded by the new

And you’ve forgotten the old

Whilst I’m stuck in the past

And I’m lacking in soul

This anxious, edited refined girl

Has you locked in a cage for many years

I’ve only just realised and I feel so so sad

I want to free you cause it has me in tears

Let me inside like you used to do

I want to show you the past and tap the girl within you

I want to free you from this regrettable cage

I want to free your heart from this rage

My heart is broken

I’m in much pain

I feel so frozen

My soul’s enraged

I can’t eat or sleep

Or listen to songs

All I can do

Is try to right these wrongs

I’m stuck in the past

And I cannot escape

I look at the memories

All day every day

I know you’ve moved on

But please know I’m the same

I may seem unhappy

I may seem insane

Please do not judge me

Please find your way

I care for you so much

And I know you’ve been caged

Chamber 4. Trekking through the Swamp.

My life has been very melancholic of late. Not in a sad a way…more a subdued melancholy. I’ve been a bit stressed with college work. My life has finished one of its phases, and all these reminders are behind me of previous phases…but looking at them just makes me feel sad. It breaks my heart to look at the past, old photos, diary pages, drawings, poems, old flames who I now don’t even acknowledge when I see, when we were once upon a time as close as siblings. So much changes. Everything in my life has reached closure, and now I find I’m ready to take on the next stage of my life.

But where do I begin? A challenge awaits me. Many unanswered questions will be resolved in the upcoming years. I know that. I’m not afraid of changing or of change.  I am just afraid of anticipation. I am at a point of my life, where the next stage of my life is not set in stone like many of the previous stages. I have came out of chamber 3 and there are many doorways leading to different chambers. I can make any of those chambers chamber 4, but I don’t know whats on the other side of each door. All I know is everyone is a different life, with a different outcome and different emotions and answers to different questions. All I know is what is written on the door, vague titles, which give me little to go on.

I find myself now realising that everything comes down to me. My choices will determine my future. And my future will happen regardless of what I do not fear entering the unknown anymore. All I fear is what the outcome will be once i trekk through this chamber. I fear that very much. Yet here I am. Standing at a crossroad. The sooner I decide the better because it will give me a headstart. I have stressed out much over these doors. Some of them are high up and hard to get to, so I wonder if that means there will be a reward inside of them for climbing all the way there. It’s hard to know when you can only see the present, and not what lies on the other side of the door.

The road ahead is long, lonely and laborious. But I must trek my way through this challenge like i did my last. I must find a way of coping with the pain of saying goodbye to the past. Those old flames and broken bonds, those people i have not seen for many years whos only proof of existence lie in photograpsh and word of mouth (and there are many of those – those i’ve missed dearly for such a long, long time). Broken hearted and battle scarred, I am. So much clutter from the past lie dormant in my head. I was strong enough to let go of it all, and it was not upsetting for me, but when I rediscovered it, it upset me greatly. How could I throw away something so deep?

All I want is to return to the past or to see these people i have not seen for many years again, or to reweire my diaries and drawings and poems i wrote when i was 9. Or even to be a child again. But these things cannot be. I must cope and endure, and cover up my scars. Who knows maybe starting a new journey wont be so hard. Or maybe it has already begun. I’m sure loads of pleasant surprises await me, and I have a feeling elements of my past may well make cameo appearances in this chapter of my life. Some welcome, some not. But this is merely the challenge I face.

And so I trek through this swamp. And thats how it feels. Each step heavy. The first few stages of life are not traumatic. Because you have no past to miss or remember. You are living your first life in a way. And there is nothing to mourn for. But i find my fragile human heart breaks more and more each year I live. And it some ways I hope it shatters completely. Maybe then I will finally discover whats really truly important in this world. But I guess that is many ‘chambers’ ahead. I’m currently trapped in limbo, and I need to work fast at getting out, as daunting as it seems…

Am I Waking Up or Falling Asleep?

Things aren’t going great in my life. Everything’s spiralling out of control. For the first time since my depression last year I am experiencing the loss of myself, the loss of my self confidence, and feeling of inadequacy of self hatred are re-emerging. I know these feelings are not the answer, but how is one supposed to chose how they feel? I’m not sure if I’m falling asleep and experiencing another nightmare or if I’m waking up from a peachy sweet reality. And I’m not sure I want to be sure. I don’t want to fall back into depression. That wont solve anything and It will just darken my life. It’s the last thing I need. But I don’t really know how I can do anything else? How can I hold back such a beast? How can I control this all the time? I don’t know how to be something I’m not. And I don’t see why I should be something I’m not. But I don’t want to be this collection of negative energies any more. A sphere of negative emotion with a mickey mouse mask on.

But how can one find themselves? And how can one ever truly know if they lost themselves in the first place? Or maybe I never had myself, maybe I’ve just realised that I’m hollow. In which case how do I fill in the gap? I don’t want to be a pessimist. I always try to look on the bright side of life, yet I’m always saying/thinking negative things. I hate that aspect of myself, yet everyone grows tired of my extreme pessimism. But I try so hard to be positive. I try so hard to be a likeable person…not for others….just for myself. Is it so wrong to want to be accepted, but not be willing to do what I have to do to get that acceptance? I don’t want to lose my integrity or pretend to be something else. I just want respect. I just want to be loved, like any other human being. It took me a lot of courage to realise this.

But how can one become an optimist? How is anyone supposed to make that change. The methods are all textbook material. Yet I’ve known no one to truly go from negative thinking to positive thinking, and stay that way permanently. I managed to do it for a while, but it didn’t feel natural. It was like an act, and It had to slip away eventually. Are there no ways to achieve long-lasting exilheration. The worlds a tough place, and to think positively is the only way to enjoy being here. I want to say things but It can be so hard sometimes. Everyone knows a different me, yet I’m only trying to be one person: me. The more people talk to me like I’m multiple beings the more I realise the only way I’m going to be me is to stop ‘trying’ to. But how can anyone erase their consciousness in such a way?

I have so many questions. I always used to say maturity is when you go from thinking you know everything to realising you know nothing at all. Which is true, but It’s only recently I truly understood it. Anyone can wake up and realise how little they know. But one day you wake up with loads of questions and no answers. And now I’ve lost myself completely. I don’t really know what to do? Should I try to get myself back? Should I be afraid of this? Or is it a positive change? And if so why does it make me feel so empty. I need to find one solution to truly work out myself, and to become a positive person so I can have a positive life. But I don’t know where to start. Finding the solution is impossible when I don’t even know what the question is…

All I know is that I AM someone, It’s easy to forget your worth in a world where everyone tells you’re worth nothing. But I don’t know if I should hold on to my ego and try to regain myself, and enjoy it more or sacrifice my wonderful feeling of self importance forever by not even bothering to find myself. I guess all I can do for now is to keep living on and see what happens. ..But It’s so hard when I quite simply CANNOT SWITCH OFF!!

The truth is maybe it doesn’t matter what is happening, whats going to happen or what has happened, maybe it doesn’t matter if I’m waking up or falling asleep and maybe it doesn’t matter what the answers or questions are. All that matters is to LIVE and to BE and to EXIST. But doing those things puts you in a world of mystery! Doing those things is easier when you keep things simple rather than building them up in your head

A very quick blog update

Hey blog, its been a while. I always end up back behind these four walls dont I?!  I think this prime minister election is hardly a democracy. Sure we DO get a choice between three right-wing, sleazy old men who care more about their petty reputation and pockets and ‘inflation’ than the actual country. I cant wait till wales gets it own parliament and indepdendence from the crappy UK!….one day!!!!

My life is weird, but not bad by any measure. Im getting a bit spotty due to college stress!! which puts a downer on anyone – cuz lets face it its human nature to be a bit vain occasionally. Everyone denies it but its true!  And also my mums moved out and my dads moved in which means the house is a tip!  And I miss F very dearly. I’m sure she is aware. I know no other who can take her place. She is a friend to me, a counsellor, an inspiration in fact. The most comforting thing is I know she probably knows exactly how I feel. But its impossible not to miss someone when youre that close to them.

And i dont have much to say…for a change. I’ll be using this more often again like i used to!
Peace out people!

Wordshaker

OK its been over a month since my last entry. I thought it was more and was feeling extra guilty. This blog is becoming essential for my mental wellbeing – despite the lack of people who read it.

What can i say? so much has happened to me this months yet i cant think of a word to say. Christmas was kind of sucky. It was potentially very good – but something was missing this year. I just wasnt feeling christmassy – im never a christmassy person but i usually feel it a bit on the actual day. It’s one day though and its so overrated.

I’m not christian – and even if i was I’d be celebrating a capitalist festival rather than a christian one. Christmas is basically a time where it gets very cold, everyone flutters around like chickens buying junk and children are told ‘wonderful tales’ about a big fat red coca-cola man (how totally NOT WESTERN! =/) who comes down the chimney and gives them gifts (which have all been made by transnationals)

I guess cynicism really does take the magic out of it. New Years was good though. I went to my dads. Aunty Carol was there (my dads friend) and her daughter Sian came and went with her husband. It was a great night though. Loads of alcohol. Always a great start to a year. I need (and deserve!) it!

And for starters I can’t believe its 2010. When 2008 started I couldn’t believe it was 2008. It felt so alien and like futuristic. I felt like it shouldnt even be the millenium yet. Time was going too fast and 2008 seemed uncomfortably surreal…

And then to make things worse 2009 came to make me feel time-sick. Now 2010 has just taken that feeling to a new level (‘Time-sickness’ is my new word for this condition.)

I can currently hear my sister watching slumdog millionaire in her room. Cuz i can hear the autotuned JAI HOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOO. Which may I add is extremely catchy (im not sure its for the right reasons)

Also here in the UK weve had a hella load of snow and ice ever since mid-late december – which means a lot of falling over and college closures due to ‘health and safety’. Of course we all feel cheated if were made to go in DESPITE the snow.

I’ve become reacquainted with many friends i hadnt talked to over christmas. Lately im going to cafes and drinking coffee with friends and having a good talk with them. I enjoy doing that. But it makes me feel like such an adult. I was saying to F the other day, “I can tell I’m becoming an adult cuz I drink coffee with friends and am addicted to eastenders”.

Speaking of that, I am missing my best friend quite a lot. We don’t talk as much as I would like to. It’s so weird – the people closest to us we take for granted – yet we miss them very quickly whilst seperated.

I am still listening to the saturdays. I dont watch the live vids from the work tour. It’s depressing cuz it makes me want to go back to the night. I will have to see them live again. Their new album is pretty damn good.

And also I am so crap at writing essays at college. Tutors always write “HOW?!?!” all over my essays. I tend to just flimsy around the point then go to the next one. Not getting good essay grades. But i think my writing on this blog is very too the point. I’m not a wordshaker (forgive the term – it’s a saturdays song) like I am at college. I think it helps when you enjoy and believe in what youre saying. It’s easier to cuz i don’t plan these at all. I just start typing and see what happens. It’s a brilliant outlet.

But I’ve outletted enough for now. There is more. But I don’t want to force it. That’s like choosing to have a premature birth. Peace out people. xyz

Time goes by so slowly…It really does, its just it feels so fast when you look back.

I miss the days when I was a child. Life was simple. I was always happy. Everything was stable, and whilst I admit compared to a lot of kids my childhood was tough, I had only ever experienced my own, so to me there was nothing wrong with it. Which reminds me of a song…
One more step along the world I go,
one more step along the world I go;
from the old things to the new
keep me traveling along with you:
Refrain:
And it’s from the old I travel to the new;
keep me traveling along with you.

Round the corner of the world I turn,
more and more about the world I learn;
all the new things that I see
you’ll be looking at along with me: Refrain

As I travel through the bad and good,
keep me traveling the way I should;
where I see no way to go
you’ll be telling me the way, I know: Refrain

Give me courage when the world is rough,
keep me loving though the world is tough;
leap and sing in all I do,
keep me traveling along with you: Refrain

You are older than the world can be,
you are younger than the life in me;
ever old and ever new,
keep me traveling along with you: Refrain

Its a great song, i sang it as a boy, unfortunately though copy-pasting it has messed up the font for this blog entry. Ah well. You win some you lose some.

I was feeling pessemistic when I wrote this post. Even the strongest of us get down at times. Im making postive changes to my life. It was always so shit and these last few months Ive been fighting and doing what I can to make it better for myself, and its working. Ive mostly been feeling happier. But theres still a black cloud over me somewhere, and I dont know why its there.

I was making music in my room when I heard my mother and her new boyfriend totally doing it from their room as if i couldnt hear them. It made me sink a bit. It disgusts me to be honest. Shes having a mid-life crisis so has dumped her husband who she constantly argues with and grabbed a 28 year old man, whilst her two children become slaves of the house (sis likes to leave me to do all the work, but sucks up to mum to get out of trouble, whilst I do my fair share of work then totally rebel if im asked to do more than that)

I just feel like whenever I finally feel like im standing on two feet again something happens to knock me back to square one. But i guess thats life. I will beat depression for good. Im not going to let it come back and im not going to have another mental breakdown like i did in february. Ive lost too much this year and gone through too much and ive had enough. No soul can fight forever. I’m feeling thoughtful, which is bad for me as thinking = getting depressed most the time (and i dont take meds because i dont trust antidepressants, i dont need them and would rather beat it by myself thank you very much). So here I go

One more step along the world I go

Its 2010 very soon so i also suppose…

From the old things to the new
Keep me travelling along with you

I have no idea who “you” is supposed to be but whoever they are I wish theyd come into my life right now and help me empty out the kitty litter  I have accumulated.

I’m right, not being stubborn – Check the facts and you will see!

The title is how I feel often. I have a tendency of always being right, and thats not an arrogance speaking. Its just I dont say things unless I know they are right first. I am opinionated, and stand up for my beliefs, both are good things. Yet to the world I am “self-righteous”. Lets have a look at the word “self-righteous”

From sedona.com…

“People who are self-righteous may defend their need to instill their beliefs on others as simply standing up for what they believe in. However, self-righteousness veers off from expressing your beliefs in a few key ways, namely that self-righteous people believe they are always right, superior and more knowledgeable than those around them.”

See? How biased. Its just used by doormats to justify being a doormat. Any wise person will be right often – not because they are never wrong, but because they make sure they know what they are saying before they say it. Its that simple.

And a lot of the time some people are more knowledgable than others. Its common sense. Some people I know are very wise in the ways of the world, and others they are very naive.

Yet being “self-righteous” is still seen as a bad thing. Standing up for your beliefs, being knowledgable and being right about things are all bad. It makes sense why the media would want us to think that. No wonder politicians walk all over us.

It leads me to wonder why people dont like “self-righteous” people. And then I worked it out. Theres only one thing that makes sense and that is jealousy. Doormats that have no strength of character, and who are afraid to not be a sheep, are often jealous of people who are and do.

This is because they are doing what they cannot and being who they arent, and so “self-righteous” is penned as a derogatory word for these sorts of people. If anyone calls me it I will take it as a compliment. I’m self-righteous and proud of it too! As all strong-minded people should be.

I always feel enlightened when I blog. I am so glad I am sharing this knowledge with the world right now. Few will read it, but the truth must come out! The truth exists merely to be told. That previous sentence is a great thing to put in quotation marks!

So thats all for today. I was going to write something else, but I can’t remember what it was. But if I do It will be straight onto here.
Peace. xyz